It's all happening...

...a little too fast.
Life that is.  Seems to be spinning.  Some good, some not so good. 

Camp is here, that means constant work.  Constantly thinking of what needs to be done.  I don't mind it, it's enjoyable work and it's David's "sweet spot".  I love seeing him shine and take charge and lead like no one else.  He truly is one of a kind, and in the camp world...he knocks it out of the park.
Camp also means summer and summer means kids are home...today is the last day of school.  FYI, when your kids hit life in the school year calendar...flies by doesn't even begin to describe it.  The years are a blur, seriously. Summer around here means structure and travel.  We have a structured day or mom goes crazy...not good for anyone.  We travel to PA for a few weeks each summer, and that is always a highlight and memory maker, priceless for my kids to build memories in the same place I have from my childhood.  We also have David's family reunion, in between camps...so that pretty much sums up June!!!

Abiding...has been going well.  I had a slip up yesterday and I was at a point where the lack of action had me frustrated.  I reverted back to the place where I want control and felt that integrity was losing out again.  Frustration...anger...disappointment.  I was quickly drawn back in with the Gentle but Firm arm of Our Father.  and words from some FB friends!! Back into the vine I go, the pruning season is somewhat embarrassing as it seems that all you have done is cut away, as you await the new.  It looks like failure..

We're are homeless...church home that is.  David and I have made some difficult and painful  but healthy decisions for our family.  It's tough, it's no fun, it's lonely.  We feel we have a direction on what we are too look for in a Corporate Worship home...but it's still no fun.  Let me assure you that there is no bitterness. As David said "there was no line drawn in the sand that someone crossed."  So if you want to know gossip of sorts, you are coming to the wrong person. 

So that pretty much sums it up.  Our life is busy, and plentiful and lived daily by faith in our Guide and Provider.  The Shepherd knows what's best for us, I'm still learning how to trust Him.  That again?!?!

So Peace be with you this season.  I will be back when I get a minute, June is about here and we are off and running.

Songs

I am convinced that my life has a soundtrack. 

When David and I were dating he used to get frustrated when we would be driving and there was no talking...he'd ask what I was thinking about..."nothing, I'm just singing in my head".  He'd roll his eyes, not believing.  Now, he's a believer and he enjoys the silence a little too much, the tables have turned and the "song" in his head usually begins with a "W" and ends with an "ayfarer".

All that to say , I truely hear music in my head all day.  I used to think I'm crazy, but now I know that is just a way the Spirit speaks to me.  It encompasses emotion, literal meaning and complex artistry all in one.  I guess you could say it encompasses me.  (And no, it's not all spiritual music, God's not that small).

So songs, they mean a lot to me.  They are the easiest way for me to convey my thoughts and emotions (just ask the people in my life who have recieved mix-Cd-that's sad- from me rather than a letter or speech)
It is one of my most favourite things to do.  Search out artists, shop on iTunes and read lyrics and the stories behind them.

And yes, you don't even have to ask, I have the music for my funeral all picked out.  It changes every couple years, but a few remain...they keep me focused and aware that when I leave there will be others left who knew me.  I hope they knew me well, and speak well.

So what is your song list? What would be the soundtrack of your life? Here, is my current:

Mushaboom
Ice Cream
American Boy
True Love
Paper Planes
You and Me
Hello Lord
I like to Dance
Fragile
The Way I am

Wagons and such

I've fallen off...and they've moved on...I'm waiting for the next.
Take your pick, you name which "wagon" it is and I feel like I am just watching drive off into the sunset!  Health, Exercise...blogging.

I apologize for my lack of responsibility.  If I'm going to have a blog, I need to keep it up.  If any of you are still out there. Thanks.

So, as I climb back onto the rickety car and rejoin the wagon train, I will try and be concise and fluid as I share where I am.

I am at a place that if not careful, I could stay forever.  A place that I think has gotten many people in trouble, if not handled correctly.  A place of Abiding.  As in, when the branches are being pruned, they abide in the vine.  It is blissful, restful, beautiful...it's full.  I wonder, and understand the struggle, how the Israelites returned to work after taking every 7th year off.  Although, with my personality, I guess I will be itching to get back at it.  But for now, I'm enjoying my Sabbath.

The other morning in my place of meeting (sounds important, it's my new hammock out back, I'm a creature that loves ceremony) I had the strangest experience.  I was reading my Bible, and the spirit told me no..."ok, so not that passage, I'll read the next".  no. Put it down.  Seriously, put down the thing that I am trying so hard to instill back into my daily life?  But it was clear as day, almost audible.  "Stop trying to learn me and just BE with me.  I'm relational, I love you, I'll tell you all you want to know."  I was shocked, excited and humbled.  I go about life, trying to learn, I'm a Berean at heart. Those are great things, and part of what makes me, well, me.  But during this season, God has really showed me that I can't do ANYTHING while abiding.  That's the whole point.  (and yes, I do still pick up my Bible each morning, but for different reasons)
It's hard, but in the midst of pruning, a love like no other time shows through.  A protection and trust is shown while all the things that have become dead and fruitless are cut away. 

I've also learned that in the pruning time, if you try and produce fruit...it will whither away...rather quickly.  I'm not meant to produce anything at this time...such revolutionary thinking in this American-Christian society.

So, my posts may be rather bland, one sided and well...less "Courtney"...but what my prayer that you see now, is My Love.  He is who should shine through, for you see, there is not much of me now, I'm being pruned.

Peace be with you.

Story

I know, it's been almost a month...really...how did that happen?  I write this post, a little fevered, a lot feeling really ill and mostly dumbfounded.

In the past 24 hours I have read two books on genocide.  People who know me well, will smirk a little at this.  Yes, I submerge myself and can read books quickly when I want too...and yes, tragedy is my favorite genre, and if it is a TRUE tragedy, I eat it up.  These two genocides are 40 years apart from each other, on different continents, written by two people who are nothing alike...and yet, the similarities are frightening.  The first is the book Night by Elie Wiesel which is his first hand account of the Nazi takeover.  Being shuffled from camp to camp, in his shockingly refreshing honesty (much like Manning's) it drags you through the stench of emotion that we dare not even imagine.
The second is Left to Tell by Immaculee Ilibagiza...words cannot describe this book.  This heroic woman recounts the life she LIVED during the Rwandan holocaust...to say she is a hero of mine, is an understatement.  The cursor blinks as I think of words to type...

So in the midst of these two books about God, questions, humanity and evil...I found my worldview once again being opened.  As I sit and realise that we all have stories, issues and tragedy...I see the questions that these people asked in thier situations that I couldn't even point pictures too at times, the very same as mine as I seek God's counsel about daily situations.  Lies are lies.  The devil only has that trick...fear, doubt, irrational thinking...it's all about lies.  Whether it's a lie that a certain people group is inferior to you and God would rather them be dead or that You aren't worth loving and no one really likes you.  We all fall prey to the lies...

What is even more exceptional is that freedom in all these situations is also found in the hope of the truth.  How these two people found hope at all is a miracle, but the fact that I find hope is too.  I love finding people with scars who are not ashamed of them, realise that God thinks they're beautiful and has shown them a way to use them.  Our scars are our stories and our stories change lives.  Don't hide your scars, take the oversized sweaters off and surround yourself with people who love you scars and all, and let the world gawk and stare...then someone will be brave enough to ask a question...which in turn you have the opportunity to answer...and thus a conversation is born...

Get these books.  Left to Tell is my recommendation if you can only read one.  Find courage in their stories...and share your own.

Definitions..

**sorry for the typos...kids mean a quick type**

let me start by saying that I have set myself up...promises of new and exciting thoughts, well written statements, timely posts...well, motherhood has called and called and now I have shut the door and locked it, and am not answering the calls for a bit. (Literally and figuratively).  As well as now wondering if this writing will be worth the fanfare it has been given.
These thoughts are not new, they aren't exciting. If you've been around me this past 6 months you've probably heard them...but it something else to put it in writting.  To stake claim in them and allow the scrutiny and questions to flow.  I am there. Tired of candy coating and not stepping on toes. This is where I have landed.

Again, if you are any part of my life, you are aware of lots of changes.  Changes at Wayfarer, changes at church, changes in our personal lives (this shockingly isn't the major catalyst).  And the awkwardness of it all is that it is so intricately interwound that it gets blurry, grey, and well mis represented at times.  This is not about that persay, but about me voiceing where I stand on an issue that seems to be all a buzz and all over. Healing...(again it isn't such a different topic if you are in the daily ins and outs).

Healing is part of my spiritual DNA.  I was raised to believe in it, taught to know it and led to expect it.  I have seen all of these things come to pass too. People healed, released, filled and overflow.  I also know that it can be done apart from God, for things other than God's Glory and by manipulative people.  But as the pendulum has swung back and forth, it has landed in what I have come to accept as center, for me at least.

All of this came about as I have wrestled to answer questions of others as well as my own, on my thoughts of a movement of the Holy Spirit that is, without question, here in G'ville.  So, as I sing and pray and whisper the same words as people around me: "I believe that you're my healer...nothing is impossible for you..." I can't help but wonder if we are singing the same thing.  Bold I know, I'm willing to be alone on this...

I have come to realize that as I do believe and know and expect healing, the definition may be different.  See for some, I believe healing is defined as deliverance.  God ridding our lives, cities and circumstances of anything other that what He.  Yet, I have come to find that the character of God (through Jesus) is one that doesn't promise that, in fact at times promises the opposite.  I believe that healing is defined as deliverance and/or redemption.  We don't know why deliverance may or may not come to us...but redemption is ALWAYS promised.  If we pray "healing" over people and only use language that elludes too deliverance, what are people to do if the deliverance never comes.  Where do they land?  What is their faith in? 

On that subject, I am currently digging into Faith and Healing...Jesus says by your Faith you have been healed ( and other times, the person had nothing to do with it.  He just wanted to prove something (see Him healing on the Sabbath)).  But faith in what?  Faith that He could heal them, or Faith that He was the Son of God?  Really digging into that one.

So again, I know this isn't crazy or out there or awe inspiring, but I felt as though I needed to say it...more so type it.  I stand on the side of Healing...but my definition is much broader than you may think.

Proud Mama...

Yesterday we decided to include the whole family.  We decided to take a step of faith and let the older boys accompany us to Ash Wednesday service and see how they would recieve it.  We also decided to invite them to fast from something for Lent.  Of course the initial responses were quite, well...amusing.
Logan-"Meat, no, any food but vegetables...yeah and only water to drink"
Eli-"Broccoli...and save all my vegetables for 5 days and give it to people who don't have any"
Brennan-"School..."
Millie-"Where's my Paci?"

So, as good discerning parents we told them to pray about it during service and listen to what the Lord was telling them to give up.  Remember it's 40 days, and it's a sacrifice.

So after they did a great job during service, and complained a little about how strong the wine was and compared ashes on their foreheads, we told them to let us know when we tucked them into bed what they heard the Lord ask them to give up.

Logan...Sweets.  After David explained that's all candy and Ice Cream, he teared up a little and said okay, he'd do his best.

Brennan...DS. He told us that he knew it would be hard, but he'd try.

Eli...still Broccoli (he doesn't eat Broccoli by the way, so as I told Rhodes, you can only give up something you'd been doing prior) We'll search that a little more today.

I am so proud. David said as we went to bed last night "we've done a good job with them".  I'm not saying this to brag, but every now and then in the midst of the chaos and feeling failures and that our kids are going to end up in Juvey, God gives us moments of the big picture.  Moments their hearts shine through and their character shows.  As parents we need that, we need to give our kids more opportunites to show that.

Isaiah 58:1-12 was one of the readings last night and the crux of Father Rob's message.  It was wonderful and freeing and enlightening.  Read it, if you are celebrating Lent or fasting at any point, it's so good.

We are also following Mars Hill's Lenten calendar as a family, and it is so good too.  The theme of it is Fasting-from and Living-to...the two are meant to go together...so good.

So as a proud mother and gracious child, I encourage you today, to live well. 
Peace be with you.

Heartbeat...

Pulse...rhythm...movement...

Ups and downs...unsure...never knowing the "for sure"

All of these words, are, in some way, encompassing our lives right now.  It's exhausting, it's faith building, it's stressful and it's life.

Literally, life. David came home yesterday and said that it was an "up and down day".  I said "Good, that means there was movement".  When the movement stops...you flatline...no life.

Sometimes we wish we could live on the mountain tops, sometimes, we feel that we can show our gifts best in the valleys, but without both, we're stagnent. 

Movement...hearbeat...life.