Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Moving

I've been accused before, of needing to live in chaos.  Of moving from tragedy to tragedy, my own or someone elses.  These were right accusations.  I have learned how to function best in the midst of calamity. I know the God of that, my strengths shine brightest in that, I am COMFORTABLE in that.  It gives me a sense of meaning, of achievement, of fulfilling my passions and well, keeps my mind working.

Now, this isn't all bad, if I may expound on the positive points for a few, it's a bit theraputic. There is something ingrained in us Taggarts to get something done.  When someone has a need, we do what we can. And if there is something we can do, we do it...and then some.  We were raised well, and this something that I proudly share with my brother, sister and parents. Because I know God inthis "season" I trust God in this season.  This is the foundation for it all. 

But, because of the positives, and they are good, I have a tendancy to jump from trial to trial. To try and "live" in the midst of them.  I have never been one to run from conflict, but I have realised that I do often run TO it.  This isn't healthy, for anyone.

The past 9 months, our family has gone from storm to storm to storm, etc.  It's been tough, it's been character building, trust instilling, life changing stuff.  But it's been left wide open...all the storms eventually became a tsunami (that's what happens when you cannot or refuse to find closure in something).

But (yes there is a but) as I lay in bed Saturday night, with my exhausted husband in our bed, and little Franklin 5 miles down the road in his bed (or at least on the floor of his room) I had this overwhelming emotion.  I couldn't describe it.  I tried to my exhausted husband...I just kept saying, that it felt like he had been gone for weeks instead of 15 hours....then it hit me.  It was closure.  Something I hadn't felt in a long time. It made me realise what it feels like to (as Kim quoted) not just turn a page, but start a new chapter. It was freeing, refreshing and joy inspiring. In a way, Frankie put a seal on the volume of our lives.

I know that closure needs to come for so many other things, but for now, I find rest in the refreshing redemption I have found in this story, being exactly that a story that's moving.  Not necessarily moving on, but it's moving. And movement like a BIG morning stretch or a wonderful Yoga class (not that P90X stuff) makes one feel SO good.

All this to say, I'm moving...away from the calamity, and into a season of wholeness.  I feel it in my bones, I sense a stirring in my spirit that for the first time in a long time says "rest".  Will conflict come...absolutely. Will I search it out, I hope not.  But I'm moving..

Sunday, January 24, 2010

They found a way.

It's early, no one is awake in our house.  It's dark, it's quiet...it is well. The cursor keeps blinking at me, asking for another word, but none come. Indescribable.

The emotional state, that I'm in cannot be summed up in a word, a look, a feeling.  It's a tempest.  Raging as conflicting thoughts and emotions swirl. 

Frankie's home...still laying in his new bed  or maybe, even better, between two people,he calls Mama and Daddy.

Their story, will unfold in the next few days, via news casts, blogs, spoken word.  But the impact, on me, is just beginning.

Frankie's home.  But all of them aren't.

David and the Rhodeses told me about a family that was at the airport in Florida to pick up one of their daughters, a baby girl named Amelia.  But their other daughter, the older Naomi...she didn't make it through.
Jason, her father, is trying to get over to Haiti to find a way to bring her home too.My heart is crying out for them...and so many others. It's hard, the overwhelming joy of a homecoming, and the heartbreak that your daughter is still over there.  We'll find a way.

But Dave and Kim...they found a way. Frankie's Home.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I believe...

...nothing is impossible for You.
...You hear our cry.
...You are holding the world right now.
...You are holding Frankie right now.
...You are about to lift Kim and Dave out of their own strength.
...You are protecting Emma and Izzie.
...You want Frankie home.
...You will show yourself greatly.
...You already have.
...You care,love and hold us.

Prayer is not our only option it's our best option.

Peace be with you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Truth...

...I'm hungry for it, I believe there is Freedom in  knowing it, we need more of it, can be manipulated.

These past 9 months, have been tough, on levels I've never cared to know, in ways that I thought I could handle and with people I never would have imagined.  But, I'm here, I'm not only breathing and here, but I'm better and here.  Struggles, have caused me to seek out Truth.  Caused me to look deeper and find what I know to be true.

That is not an out of character thing for me. I'm a recovering Cynic.  God has redeemed that side of me and made me realise that I am a Berean. (Revelation 2) He is using my questioning to find Him.  So in the midst of the struggles and times of being uncomfortable, I have learned to rejoice, I thank the Lord for these struggles, because they have led me to Him, to finding Him in places, on my own, not because others say He is there or isn't there.  I have learned to Trust my savior who lives in me, MY guide, The Spirit which lives in me.  He speaks to me, loud and clear, and other times challenges my thinking, but always says He loves me.  No matter how long this will take. And other times, He's silent..."go and find out" He says, so I do.  I remember my mom, if I would ask an obscure question, which I did a lot..."Go look it up" she'd say, without even turning around.  So I trekked upstairs to our Encyclopedia Britannica collection and looked it up and learned, at my own pace.

So God is teaching me, the same way my parents did, because He's knows how I learn. funny.  And He has brought to me one of the best teachings that so greatly articulate the frustration and desire within me.  When the energy inside me can't find words to point out what is missing, this man did.  God has crossed my (and my family's) path with his at an exact moment for an exact thing. (It doesn't help these men are British, I'm just saying...God knows me and has a wicked good sense of humour!) 3DMinistries.org...is changing how David and I think and speak and has given us a confidence that is truly from the Lord.  Mike Breen gave a message on Healing that...well, you just need to listen. It articulates a yearning inside me for the whole story, for both sides of the coin...You can believe in Healing and the move of the Spirit and still Find God when it doesn't happen...and maybe, even more so!

I urge you to listen, to listen and listen again. Find Truth in it and search it out for yourself.  God is moving...yes He is. I'm not missing it.

http://www.northlondonvineyard.com/Media/Player.aspx?media_id=28119&file_id=30483

Monday, January 11, 2010

Burning...

"...I'm Burning, and I know I'm gonna blister in these flames. But I'll stay here, until this smoke clears, and you find me in the ashes that remain"

I feel as though, this blog is a Debbie Downer at times.  I'm really not depressed, just aware...curiously aware.  Last night at a fun little social, we passed around Table Topics. David's question was "Do you tend to speak Kindly or Honestly" of course David answered with his honesty that is so uniquely beautiful and said "Kindly"  those who knew me, looked my direction and we laughed as I said "Yes, and I speak honestly"  So that is what this is honesty, hopefully, as I grow in love, with Kindness too.

So, at this little social, some new and exciting things for Wayfarer were discussed.  A new Sunday night Service at the Handlebar.  A partnership with people that can fill in the gaps for what Wayfarer has seemingly lacked in ability to do. And a chance for our family to make new friends...wait, this doesn't look so good to me...

It's tough, moving forward. Feeling like something or someone is missing as you take steps.  It doesn't seem right, but you know you must.  It seriously makes me nauseaous right now, thinking of doing a new venture and missing 4 people.  4 people, that you never thought these kind of steps would be made without.  But it isn't just 4, it's 12!  It's looking at our children as their faces get a little older and words get a little wiser and realise that life is moving, not waiting for what you want.

I told David that closing a wound is often more painful than obtaining it.  I'm one who likes to huddle around my chaos like "a dog at it's food bowl.  'Mine, get away'"  I want to hold onto the pain, anger and hurt, because it means that I can't move on.  I can live in this moment and even if it is wrong, they are still with me.  Holding onto those emotions makes me feel like time has stopped, like there is still something I can do to change the situation.  When I release those emotions, when I let go...I'm closing the wound and letting God heal and saying, there was nothing more I could do. My pride tells me to keep it bleeding, keep trying to fix it, keep feeling. 

But today, through tears, I let God stitch those wounds. I will not rip the stitches out, which means I may have a big white plastic hood around my head, so I can't get to them (not literally of course, but if I'm acting out of sorts, picture that). I will move on. Ahead, as painful as it is, knowing that every time I look at the scars, they will ache, I will be tempted to cut them open again, but by God's mercy, may He move my hand gently away and onto something productive.
So to the 4, if you read this.  It's not goodbye, it's redefining.  It's reshaping the reality that we are now in.  And learning to live and love in that reality.

So excuse me, I have a Doctor to see.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I wanna....

...I wanna, I wanna!!!! (spice girls baby!)

There are so many things I want for this year. To go back to London and take friends with us.(Yeah David, I said it) To have more conversations with my husband. Keep my house cleaner. Hang my clothes up every night. Make my bed every morning. And finish all the other things on my list!

But there is one thing, that I have been trying to do for almost 10 years, and really longer if you look at it a certain way....Love. I was thinking the other night...do I really love anyone? I know that sounds extreme, but I mean, I'm a pretty selfish person, and do I really love anyone more than myself? So I started thinking how would I know? and like the Psalms promise, the words came floating by:
Love is:
-patient
-kind
-not jealous or boastful or proud or rude
-does not demand its own way
-not irritable
-does not keep a record of wrongs
-never glad about someone failing
-rejoices when Truth wins out
-Never gives up
-Never loses faith
-always hopeful
-endures every circumstance
-will last forever

Am I those to the people I say I love? My husband, my kids? Here is what I realize that I have been when I say I love them:
-Conditional
-Easily Angered
-Circumstantially driven
-Expects too much

The list could go on and on, but I don't want to bury myself.
I want to love, as love is truly defined, not what I see the defenition should be. Today I have decided to try a new venture, to love this week. Too love my kids, as Paul says in his letter. Not to yell, not to teach, not to correct...but love. Today, has gone very well. I raised my voice once, and caught myself. Of course there have been moments of discipline or steering, but truly in love. Shocking, I'm happier, my kids are happier, they are behaving and getting along. I need this, they need this. It's time the "expectations" of those around me are set aside. I don't care if you follow baby wise, growing Kids God's way or any other child reering plan. I DON'T CARE! We all do our best, we all fail, but we all love (or at least should). My youngest may not be potty trained and still take a pacifier, my boys may be rowdy and smell like boys sometimes do, but dangit, they will know they are loved.

I will finish that task, before it's too late.