Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Moving

I've been accused before, of needing to live in chaos.  Of moving from tragedy to tragedy, my own or someone elses.  These were right accusations.  I have learned how to function best in the midst of calamity. I know the God of that, my strengths shine brightest in that, I am COMFORTABLE in that.  It gives me a sense of meaning, of achievement, of fulfilling my passions and well, keeps my mind working.

Now, this isn't all bad, if I may expound on the positive points for a few, it's a bit theraputic. There is something ingrained in us Taggarts to get something done.  When someone has a need, we do what we can. And if there is something we can do, we do it...and then some.  We were raised well, and this something that I proudly share with my brother, sister and parents. Because I know God inthis "season" I trust God in this season.  This is the foundation for it all. 

But, because of the positives, and they are good, I have a tendancy to jump from trial to trial. To try and "live" in the midst of them.  I have never been one to run from conflict, but I have realised that I do often run TO it.  This isn't healthy, for anyone.

The past 9 months, our family has gone from storm to storm to storm, etc.  It's been tough, it's been character building, trust instilling, life changing stuff.  But it's been left wide open...all the storms eventually became a tsunami (that's what happens when you cannot or refuse to find closure in something).

But (yes there is a but) as I lay in bed Saturday night, with my exhausted husband in our bed, and little Franklin 5 miles down the road in his bed (or at least on the floor of his room) I had this overwhelming emotion.  I couldn't describe it.  I tried to my exhausted husband...I just kept saying, that it felt like he had been gone for weeks instead of 15 hours....then it hit me.  It was closure.  Something I hadn't felt in a long time. It made me realise what it feels like to (as Kim quoted) not just turn a page, but start a new chapter. It was freeing, refreshing and joy inspiring. In a way, Frankie put a seal on the volume of our lives.

I know that closure needs to come for so many other things, but for now, I find rest in the refreshing redemption I have found in this story, being exactly that a story that's moving.  Not necessarily moving on, but it's moving. And movement like a BIG morning stretch or a wonderful Yoga class (not that P90X stuff) makes one feel SO good.

All this to say, I'm moving...away from the calamity, and into a season of wholeness.  I feel it in my bones, I sense a stirring in my spirit that for the first time in a long time says "rest".  Will conflict come...absolutely. Will I search it out, I hope not.  But I'm moving..

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