Monday, October 5, 2009

Retreat

It is a dreary day. Most people get depressed on days like this. I get energized. I feel like I can breathe deeply and take inventory of what I have...who I have. This is the kind of day, I would grab an umbrella and go shop, window shop, grab a cup of tea and read a book under the awning of a cafe...if I lived where cafe's were in abundance. But instead I do the other rainy day thing. Throw on George Winston, clean, cook and randomly tell my kids how much I love them and what I like about them. Yeah, I'm learning to not make that a rainy day thing.

Today proves that God knows me, knows that I needed to slow down and breathe, think...pray. When I feel isolated, I retreat. I start to slowly back away from people, things and start listening to lies. I have realized this weekend, just how much I have been doing that. Slowly inching backwards, not enough to cause a stir, but enough that some people are starting to notice. Not depressed, not down hearted, just retreating...

So what do I do? Well, God has given me people to make me realizes my vices and now that I realize, it is my job to do something about it. What shall I do? I will take steps back in, slowly, purposefully and intentionally. I will start pulling people back into my circles.

Enjoying the rest of this day, this moment is my favorite moment. Between day and night, closing and opening, beginning and end. The moment of remembering and planning for a new day. I live too often in this moment, it's what I know, it's where my comfort is. But it is also a moment of uncertainty, "did I make the most of today? What will tomorrow bring?" I like to live in questions...in questions, there are no answers and no definates, those scare me...why because I am a control freak and I like to have a say. Working on that too...

So as I pack my things up from retreating and begin to prepare to step out with purpose in steps I look to the Lord for His absolute love to bring me peace, wisdom and discernment. To be intentional in the words and choices I make, just on a daily basis. To protect my heart as I begin to put it out there again...wow that scares me...it's time to get back in the game.

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