Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Temptation of Loneliness

  I could start by writing about why I'm writing...how I've tried to start this thing back up SEVERAL times over the past year...how the Lord currently speaks to me in Blog Post Titles...or ...I could just start.

Life is not easy.  We have all heard it, most of us somewhat believe it, all of us have experienced it.  It is a statement that is not contextualized, dependent on environment or circumstance; it touches all of us. Somehow, I feel as though I am entitled to a "pass", at least a little bit every now and then, can I get an
"Amen"?!
If you've read the "about me" section, then you know that I have 4 children, ranging from ages 13-7.  3 boys at the front, and one caboose named Millie.  What you may not know about me, is that I, am an introvert.  That's right, a socializing, conversation carrying, sometimes first to speak, Introvert.  Although I'm pretty extroverted, with 4 children and a chatty husband, exhaustion comes often.  I have discovered that there is at no point in the day, a MOMENT when someone isn't either moving or talking.  Even whilst sleeping, there is ALWAYS noise! {Insert Snoring sound effect here}

"Where are you going with this Court?"
Sorry, I'm working back up to my Blog writing...deep breath

Ok, where I'm going is...
Life is not easy...and when it gets hard, I've noticed I have a temptation to run to loneliness.  I have written it off as the following:
-I'm a private person.
-I don't want to bother people.
-It's not all about me
-I'm an Introvert and keep things to myself
-It's for me to work out with Jesus
-It's just a problem that I have within myself
-I will work on myself

But here is what I really am saying:
I don't want anyone in on this with me.  Inviting people into my life equates to High Accountability, death of pride and laying down what is best for me alone.  Other people can win, when I refuse to go it alone.

So that's it.  That's the 3AM for all you speakers out there.

I have grown accustomed to, and somewhat comfortable with, the slow, easy hum of loneliness.  It lulls me to sleep some nights, the masquerade of strength becomes cemented on my face, the furrow in my brow conveys that I can handle a lot and my capacity is quite large.

I have bought in to the lie...you are can and are meant to handle this on your own.  No one else will get it and I know what is best.

Lies.  Meant to Kill, steal and destroy my joy and my influence in The Kingdom.

Recently Mike Breen put out a blog post referencing the Missio Trinitatis.  Yeah, I know Latin isn't my thing either.  This is an AMAZING read and a profound truth.  And it all boils down to this.
If I'm to live as Jesus did, then I am designed to live in family.  Not just friendship, not just community, but, life giving - die to my own dreams - you have no choice but to deal with us - family.

Loneliness is not just a bi-product, it's a temptation.  It feeds a lie that we are meant to be independent to remain special.  To matter.  To be the winner.

I don't know how far this rabbit hole leads within my own life, but I know that My Family walks beside me the whole way.  I have a shepherd who leads me, with love and discipline (rod and staff) and a calling that is bigger than my wants.

I know that this life is not easy, but I NOW know that it doesn't have to be lonely.

So, I ask you the questions that keeps me in check with the Temptation of Loneliness:
If you win, who else wins?

2 comments:

  1. What a blessing to have you back in the blogosphere, Court. This b-family is wiser -- stronger -- because of it. :)

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  2. Excellent words. I'm battling this too. Thank you.

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