Starvation

 /stɑrv/


[stahrv]

verb, starved, starv·ing.

–verb (used without object)

1. to die or perish from lack of food or nourishment
 
 
That's right...starvation...it's been a long time coming...I feel it in my soul, that a lot has led up to this moment, and I feel no sense of hunger or craving...only the tension of going without.
 
My prayer has been for some time, that my soul response be primary and my flesh to be secondary...or none at all!  So the Lord spoke to me the other night as I asked how I make that switch....Starve Your Flesh....
ummm, ok....I need to lose a little weight (and by a little, I mean a 5 year old child...that's for another day)
 
No, not that kind of starvation...the spiritual sense of flesh...starve that.
Well, how do I do that?  In order to do that I must know what "feeds" my flesh
-Music
-Television
-Reading
-Social Media
on and on...basically anything that I do, out of pure satisfaction of myself...
 
Now, let me clarify, that I am NOT saying these things are wrong...I am in a particular process for a particular outcome and feel that most of these things will be re-introduced into my life...maybe not, we'll see. But since I am trying to "kill my flesh", a drastic thing, I require drastic measures. {Think alcoholics and how some can return to even having social drinks and others, can never be around it...again, we'll see}
 
So, I will keep my blog up, as it's a place for my to glorify the Lord through sharing what I learn. 
-So far, the "cravings" have been minimal, surprisingly.
-Have noticed HUGE spiritual warfare, as my flesh is reacting to the starvation...Spirit is beyond strong though and God is faithful.
-So excited to see what is revealed as the death takes place...
Curious what your thoughts are....(if you're reading this on FB or Twitter, I won't be there, so please leave a comment on my actual blog)

Explained but not defined

My heart is in turmoil right now...conviction and grace are swimming all over me, and that makes for an odd mix of heart beats.  As a woman...I am always struggling with things like, the ever present temptation to gossip, judge and self righteousness.  As a wife...I am always struggling with security, unconditional love both received and given and self lessness.  As a mom....I am always struggling....period.  Seriously, those who have had the privilege of knowing me long, know that motherhood is not in my bones...nurturing doesn't come easily.  But I am having to remind myself of a mantra that the Lord downloaded to me several years ago...one that is life changing...if I let it be.

Explained but not defined.

My weaknesses in parenting, the lack of natural ability...explain my struggles, but don't define me as a mom
My INTP Meyers-Briggs report...explains how I tick, but don't define who I am
My insecurities and struggles with identity...explain my response, but shouldn't define my attitude.

You, see, I've come to realize that the only thing, the ONLY thing that defines me is Christ.  The only thing that can redeem the negative qualities in my life and restore them to usefulness for offering hope, is Christ.  That even thought there are chapters and chapters of my life, they don't have to define the life I have yet to live.  I mean, I got a doggone tattoo to remember that...I guess I knew why I needed to see that everyday to be reminded of it!!!

Nothing, bad parenting, weight gain and loss, impure thoughts, a wicked tongue...nothing can separate me from the love of Christ...a love that covers all sin.

So as I sit in a swirling pool of conviction and grace (if you're dying to know, it relates to parenting. I can't stand when people are passive aggressively vague in blogs. I need to love my kids better) I with be introspective in looking at why and what has brought me to this point, I will repent, I will be proactive in moving forward, not dismissing my actions to "that's just who I am and how I work".
God is bigger than that.
Curiously waiting to see what He has in store.

And now...it's rising from the ground...

If you walk past me and I have this "look" on my face...and you wonder, "What is she thinking about?!"  Don't worry, I'm just singing to myself...well not to myself, but my soul and I are singing with the Creator...the Creator of all things, of Beautiful Things.

This past week, Wayfarer had the amazing privelidge to have a suite at Catalyst...you know..Suite 7, check us out next year...ANYWAY...It's always a blessing, a shot in the arm...but this year, the music just overwhelmed me...in whole.  From the opening numbers with the Eminem remake (don't like those, but the did it well and had a beat artist that was...words aren't here for it) to Keyes...to my fave...Gungor.
Side note...been a fan of Michael Gungor for a while, but he has finally found his niche...the new sound of his band is incredible and spot on and annointed. (Beautiful Things is the title of his new album, and one of the most amazing songs ever.)

So this is the song that's in my head, the song that reminds me who God is, the song that makes my soul and I grab hands and spin around in yearning for unaltered communion with the creator.  Be blessed, be awakened, be curious.

Do you love her?

She's not perfect...although the expecation is there.  She smells of imperfection...and grace.  She doesn't always know the direction she's headed, and usually thinks she knows better than she does...luckily her groom holds her hand and gently places his other hand on the small of her back as he guides her...
Starting to sound familiar...it should, it's you...or at least you are part of her (if you're a child of the King)...The Bride that is...

This morning at church our pastor gave a much needed call to order...before he started pluggin small groups and community building opportunities, he realised something...realised that if  don't LOVE the church (meaning Corporate Gatherings) you're not going to LOVE smaller versions of it anymore.  Eventually they will become tainted too...and you'll realise that we are all flawed. 

But more than that, he drove home the point that God LOVES the church...Big "C" small "c"  the argument is old in my opinion, trust me...I've banked on that several times...but reading scripture, and admitting that what Paul talks about is the Local Church...that is what God loves...enough to arrange a marriage between it and His only Son.  He loves the church, you can't get away from that...and with a statement I've heard so many times before, it rang personally to me.

I cannot love the Groom apart from His Bride...I can't, and He won't have it.  Flawed, ugly at times and useless...He loves Her, and so Should I. If "one another" is used 59 times in the NT to instruct us how to do life...apparently I don't have all the answers, nor am I designed to go at this alone.

So, I ask you, do you love her?  Or are you trying to love the Groom apart from His Bride?

Just Curious

let's try this again...

Ahem...check, check...(insert feedback squeal here)....Hi. My name is Courtney, and this is my blog.  Let me (re)introduce this to you.
It's a blog of thoughts...sometime, all my own, sometimes spurred on by others thoughts, and sometimes non-sensical in nature and random in content...but always, authentic and honest.
Let me claryify that I understand that this is not my online journal, nor will it be treated as such.  I also understand that it isn't my online bragbook either. At least of myself, others...well, we'll see what the day brings.
Trying to past at least twice a week, that gets harder as life goes on, but I hate the lack of committment that I have given in the past.
So,thanks for the feedback...it seems that some of you are a little curious as to what I have going on "up there" , and I'm a little curious as to what you have to say about that.  Curiousity may be risky, but it also makes me who I am.  I love to learn, never thinking that I know it all, and always willing to challenge the process.
Let's see where this rabbit hole leads...

Changing things up and Helping me out...

Yes, I know, I've been breaking blog etiquette.  Sorry...life, you know.

So, I read today that a good motivation and accountability in running is to blog about it.  So this is turning into my motivation and running blog.  I will post my playlists, my weekly workouts and anything in between.  Any tips or suggestions are welcome and I look forward to where this goes.  It's hot as TARNATION here, so my runs will be inside on the tready...boo.  I have a triathlon in 2 months, so training for that begins this week.,,,oi.

INTP

If you know what that is, you have either been in corporate America or a psychology major!  I was neither, so I just recently found this out about myself. 
"Google  it".  So I did and have slowly been working my way through the profile descriptions...it's been interesting, funny, frustrating and well...spot on! 
Over the past year, I have been in recovery...you see, I'm a recovering cynic.  I used to think, and even blame this trait, as an excuse to say and treat people, however I deemed "truthful".  That is so far from the Truth, it's a little nauseating.  So about a year ago, after doing a study on the emotions that God placed in all of us and how although they seem negatve, God can redeem them for His use.  So the process of being cynical into being about Truth in Love...it's hard.  But so needed and honestly I wish a lot more "agents of Truth" would take this journey.  It's must be what it's like for a recovering addict to become so aware and sensetive too, other addicts that they had never seen before.
So I'm back to being an INTP.  Learning about myself.  Realising that the explanations do not Define who I am, but Explain what makes me tick. 
There is only One who defines me...and only He can continually change that defenition.  I am content, truely able to say that, with the defenition I currently have and knowing that He is still refining.  I enjoy the thought of that, not so much the process, but you know...
So I've been blessed with knowledge and tools and people to help me through my Recovery...
What are you, or do you need to, go to "Rehab" for? 
Trust me...I said "No, no, no" for a LONG time.  It's much better on this side.