New Read

First let me say that I type this with a batman mask on and little "millie fingers" poking me in the eye. Why, you ask...because I'm a mom, and mom's have to do some silly things sometimes. So excuse the typos.

I am reading a book that is refreshingly rocking my world. Refreshing, because it isn't smacking me in the face, stopping me in my tracks or anything like that. But it is taking me back to foundational beliefs that I have and have always had, but refining them.

Forgotten God, by Francis Chan

So good, and Exactly what I need right now. There are parts that, eerily, feel as though were written for me. (addresses Greenville!) Chock full of scripture and not opinion, calling you to step away from the book, again and again and get into the Word and communion with God. Just good, good stuff.

Be Blessed. Batman...out.

Cooped Up.

I have been struggling with a nasty illnes for about a week now. So, I am staying cooped up and am getting close to cabin fever. I need to go out today, only to get a load of lysol and pick Eli up from school. You know how you start to just think about all the germs floating around, don't do that, it's depressing. So I am just earnestly praying my family doesn't get it. If they don't, God gets ALL the glory, because it will be a miracle. If they do, He gets glory anyway.

So, as my head is floating and my eyes are blurry, I have nothing witty, creative or thought provoking to say...nor do I have the energy to copy a page out of a Brennan Manning book (even though I could everyday and it would revolutionize your and my thinking).

So, back to bed I go for another hour until I can grab that Lysol.

Excerpt from The Furious Longing of God

"And then a moment in Jesus' life that is more shrouded in mystery, denser with misunderstanding and incomprehensibility than perhaps any other.
Jesus, the eternally beloved Son of the Father, is abandoned by His Abba. Sin appears to have its way over the entire world. For the first time since He was an infant, Jesus feels Himself to be without the sustaining presence of His Abba, and inner bleakness of forsaken aloneness in the desolation of abandonment.
In a scream that surely split the sky:
My God, My Abba. Why, Why Have You Forsaken Me Now?

St. John of the Cross said it will never ever be given to any human heart to understand the depth of desolation, utter abandonment, indescribable, loneliness and complete forsakenness that lay behind Jesus' cry. But even in that cry, there is no indication that Jesus ever lost trust or hope or confidence in His Abba.

After 35 years of praying over the passion and death narratives in Luke's gospel, French biblical scholar Pierre Benoit believed that the Abba of Jesus spoke to His Son as He hung naked, nailed to the wood with spit dripping down His face, His body bathed in blood. And Benoit believes the words Abba spoke were words from the Hebrew Scriptures, Song of Songs 2:10-14

Come now, my love. My lovely one.
Come.

For You, the winter has passed
the snows are over and gone
The flowers appear in the land,
the season of joyful songs has come.

The cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land

Come now, my love. My lovely on.
Come. "

-Brennan Manning

so good.

I am sitting...all is quiet...so I type.

Hmmm...what shall I type about, there is SO much swirling in my head, I mean so much. Ah yes, just picked a thought to land on.

This past week our church has been having a series of worship services in the evening. They were really,really great. Can I be honest, without people jumping all over me (spiritually that is? I felt very oppressed when I went in. It makes sense, I mean, Satan doesn't stay out of churches, and I tried to make a conscious "cleansing" effort each night. I am not saying that the Lord wasn't there, because He was, but just putting it out there. I really have just thought of this as I have begun typing...so random.

ANYWAY, that is not what I wanted to write about, but it sets the stage. Tuesday, a friend prayed for me that God would come to me with joy. I nodded in agreement and then flinched a little. Am I not joyful? Well, I would never say that people think that of me, or I of myself. So I started looking at people who approached me.
-Yep, I would say she's joyful
-oh, absolutely joyful, always with a smile and a compliment, heartfelt at that.
-Oh my, yes she bubbles over with joy, not happiness, true joy.

Man, I want to be joyful.

Anytime people are asked what they think of me, the words that come out are honest, truthful...not happy,joyful,full of life. What happened to me along the way? I used to be able to say I was a happy person, now, I'm an honest person? YIKES!

Audretta told me a few days ago about a sermon her pastor gave, about the fruit of gentleness. In it he said that this is a fruit of the spirit, available to everyone, it's not a gift that some have and others don't. WHAM! That hit me. I use that excuse all the time, for most of the fruits.
-Patience, is not something I possess (um, it should be)
-I am not a person of gentleness (whose fault is that)

I realize that I do not evoke most fruits of the spirit. Gosh, is that humbling. So, for the next, however long it takes, I am going to yearn to possess and express those fruits.

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, goodness, gentleness,faithfulness and self-control. I am commanded to live those out, as they are already given to me.

So good when God hits you where it hurts.

raw

I wishing I were talking about my diet. I would love to be able to eat raw, all the time...but alas, lack of discipline and funding, and house full or kids raised on hot dogs and chicken nuggets, leaves me here.

So, by raw, I mean myself.

I feel stripped down, to my core, my soul. I have been broken, empty, overwhelmed and worn out, but this is different. I have nothing left, and yet, I am beginning to be filled.

It all started in April, when the Brooks family dropped the bomb, the Mother bomb...they were leaving. (cursor, just sitting and blinking as I think...it still stings). It has all worked out for the good of them that love the Lord, but it is still painful, that dull pain that is constant and everywhere. Today on the phone, it sharpened as I realized how much I miss my friend. It THROBS, when Eli daily asks for Simon to come over, or how he is saving half of his cookie for Simon. It hurts. I don't want it to go away though, it reminds me how much they mean to our family and how much I love and am loved.

But pair that with other circumstances in our life right now...and I am raw. But have realized so much in the past few days. As I lay face down before the Lord, seeking direction for myself and others, I have noticed that my soul is speaking, not me. My soul that longs for it's creator and knows more than I know, or ever thought I knew. My soul that has seen my God...not my spirit or my gut...but my soul. Enveloped and inhabited by the Spirit of a living God, it is ministering to me.

When my mind, my gut, my heart; have nothing left...all is quiet.

My soul begins to sing, a song of knowing, a song of trusting...a song of love that it has experienced.

I am raw, but I am not defeated.

More than meets the eye.

THANK YOU! To all of you that encouraged me with comments, facebook messages and personal words. My last post was just a vent, but proved to be so much more. Thank you, again.

So, on to what that post was originally supposed to be. A call to arms (at least for me)
While at my parents, I watched only a couple of movies...a few times each. Transformers(1st) and Prince Caspian. I walked away each time, just filled with...adrenaline. I love a good action movie...a GOOD action movie. But these two movies, stirred something, in my soul.

There is a point in Transformers where Shia and Megan (blech) are standing in front of Bumblebee (my favorite) after he reveals who he is to them and transforms back into a car. He opens his door and Megan Fox rants about not wanting to get into the car after just seeing what it is. Shia replies (something like)

"50 years from now, do you want to wonder what would have happened if you had got into the car?"

YES! That sets it all into motion...the fight.

Caspian, the end of the movie just makes my soul want to just jump out of my body, for real. It is like something in me knows the power behind those images and knows which side I am on (BTW, I LOVE the part when the river throws back his hair, so beautiful!) But the faces of the men (on both sides of the battle) looking at Lucy on the other side of the bridge. She should be afraid, she should be a little scared. Then Aslan walks up...

All of these images re-birthed inside of me the desire at the core of us all (or should be) to fight for something greater than ourselves. Whether or not I make it out alive isn't the point, the point is I am engaging in it. What is I never "get in the car" what will I miss...I think a lot.

Read the story of Jonathan and his Armor Bearer (1 Samuel 14) and see what it means to get in the car. I want to be about more than what is seen...

Grow up.

I am in PA...excited to reconnect with some long-since friends...makes me realize that there are several people in this world, who knew me well and accepted me, and dare I say liked me...even before I knew that was what they were doing. I miss them...I miss a lot of people, that I never thought I would. I realize that when I go on Facebook. I wish I could sit down and REALLY chat with people.

I also realize that I still live in High School when I come back here. The same people that would be nice to you, depending on who you were dating or friends with (that particular week) are still the same way.

Exhibit a:
Go to Giant Eagle (the world's best grocery for many reasons) and run into a former classmate. My mom sees her first, I try to dodge (as I am VERY self-conscious about my weight, looks, etc and only have 2 kids with me to blame it on!) but I suck my gut in, walk over and it begins
-Hey, how are you?
-You look great!
-I hear you have...how many?
-Just 4, not what people think...
-Oh, well I have 5, so I understand
-(I am thinking) and you are still a size two with the cutest hair cut ever...I hate you
-(I say) Great to see you.

As this conversation goes on I see her out of the corner of my eye. One of "those" girls I mentioned above. She looks EXACTLY the same and I see her double take me...great, she's checking out my thighs!
I turn to actually smile and wave, when she quickly turns away...I understand...then as I am checking out there she is again, then in the parking lot...by this time. Bitchy me is out! BRING IT!
I see that same smirk I saw at the High and see her get on her cell phone as soon as she gets in her car. As she drives off, she is grinning...I can list the people she called to say
"You will not believe who I saw at Giant Eagle!"

Seriously...as much as you want to fight it...that stuff kills...wounds reopen, doubts and lies flood in. what is wrong with people. Do you realize I graduated...15 years ago! I mean, COME ON! Sadly, there are more people in that category than I would like. It stinks...I'm different, I would have thought they were different...

would have thought they would have taken the chance to grow up and move along.